Sometimes life moves quickly, like very very quickly. Those millo-seconds when you see the car accident in a blink, or those first kiss “full body butterflies” at age 16 that are “all that” in no time flat. Those gaps from the ordinary, the space in between what was before and what is now can happen quickly.
Some of the toughest times in my life the only thing that seemed to help was to surrender. In the darkest of times I would often turn to my own free style form of meditation, based on breath, thoughts and rudraksha malas Each rub on my rudraksha was a salve for my soul, each oil stain I laid down – 108 times after 108 times. When I touch this mala it is a reminder to surrender, surrender, surrender.
I’ve had a knarly infection in My. Left. Foot. for a bit now. I saw a doctor and took the initial round of antibiotics, then life called and I had to answer! I traveled to NYC full of dancing at a wedding and trapesing around in HEELS, then immediately enjoying seven days in Malibu wearing only flipflops. Long story short I found myself this morning entering a surgeons office for a consultation at 9:00 am and back in my car driving myself home at 9:30 - with a huge hole in My Left Foot?!! A surprisig outpatient procedure all said and done in less than 20 min!? I thought I was just going to be having a lovely chat about my knarly foot and maybe hit a coffee shop on my way home for a London Fog tea, things changed pretty quickly.
Interestigly when it was presented to me as an option I really almost jumped at the idea of cutting into my foot and cutting out the infected tissue. I surprisingly said yes! I have been asking my body what it needs and the return message I was hearing was “get rid of it” Me not being the best inrepretuer of my own language I thought it meant get rid of it, like fight it, do everything possible to help it heal, pray with it and of course take loads of antibiotics. But what was literally meant is GET RID OF IT! Cut it out, take it out. And that is exactly what was done. As I lay back and all was being prepped I had a moment of “we are? wait - what?” Then I heard the words of one of my “life-idols” Brigette Mars – “sometimes you just need to surrender”…. They were the words I needed to hear at just that moment by just her. I don’t need to fight, I don’t need to “do” a million different things, I don’t need to work harder to try and “fix” things, sometimes I serve myself best when I simply surrender. As I lay back on the doctors table, I covered my eyes with my arm and without thought found my rudraksha bracelet off my wrist. I moved each bead between my fingers ryhtmically with mantra humming in my head, in this conscious act of surrender practice, while the doctor did her magic on my foot.
What do we grab for when we are stressed, afraid, worried? Our lover? Our delicious Foods? Ahh Wine? – Today I grabbed the thing that has carried me through tough days like today. Like an experienced, never fail “tool” it gave grounding, repetitive, divine, instinctive comfort. Surrendering in those gaps, relishing in those spaces between each bead.